Fardiana Amerie Gomez

With Ur Love

2011-11-04T01:36:00.000-07:00

Got this from Tumblr. It's not always that I'll do this kind of things. So here goes nothing :)

1. Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it? I can't remember the last person who said that to me. LOL k next

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? The question is... would a 18-year-old guy want to date me? krik krik

3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? When I was shitting in the toilet, lol no I don't remember.

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? Of course :) No harm in doing that.

5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? I don't think so...?

6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Yes. "We'll be a dream" - We The Kings (in case you were wondering) Not gonna say who that someone is though :B

7. What exactly are you wearing right now? Avenged Sevenfold tshirt and fbt shorts.

8. How often do you listen to music? Like, every single day.

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Jeans.

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2012? I hope so?

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? I guess I'm somewhere in the middle.

12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’? Nope.

13. What about ‘R’? Rick Roll. HAHA no.

14. Can you drive a stick shift? What.

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? Outside, I'll be like whatever but inside, yes actually.

16. Are you going out of town soon? Next week :)

17. When was the last time you cried? Recently? I don't remember why.

18. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Yeah.

19. If you could change your eye color, would you? Honestly, yes. I'd like to have green eyes.

20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for? Nope, not yet.

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. Not being able to make up my mind about what type of hairdo I'm gonna do for prom.

22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Yes :D

23. Are you dating the last person you talked to? Erm, no :)

24. What are you sitting on right now? I'm sitting on the toilet. Haha no, sitting on my sista's bed.

25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? My girlfriends <3

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Jay McGuiness. Haha, just kidding but yeah.

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Muhd Nur Aliff. If you consider 'texting' as talking.

28. Do you get a lot of colds? Not really.

29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from? From my closet. lol, from right here in SG

30. Does anyone hate you? Duh.

31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? No, I don't drink.

32. Do you like watching scary movies? NO. I get scared easily.

33. Do you want your tongue pierced? Nope, don't like the idea of having a hole in my tongue.

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? 2010.

35. Did you have a dream last night? Unfortunately no :(

36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them? Yesterday, to my girls hahaha.

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? In 5 years I'd be...21. Nope, not yet.

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? No.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No.

40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Every single day spent with my lovely group of friends is a good day.

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? Yes, with myself.

42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? Um, yeah? lol

43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yeah, I think that's the sweetest thing ever :)

44. What’s the best part about school? Friends, meeting people, learning new things (yes I'm serious), CCA....list goes on and on.

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yep.

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Duh.

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Haha, yes.

48. Were you single over the last summer? Yep!

49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No...

50. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Look for a hairstyle for prom... AHHH

51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No :)

52. Are you nice to everyone? Not everyone...

53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Yeah :p

54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? Yes, I am not a cheater.

55. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Yeah, I guess so. At times.

56. Do you think you like someone? I like everybody.

57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? Jay. HAHA no.

58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? I like to be friends with both. No preference.

59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry? Yeah.

60. Do you hate anyone? Yes, but I think I don't hate her anymore.

61. How’s your heart? It's fine, thanks for asking.

62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about? Absolutely.

63. Have you ever cried over a guy? Unfortunately, yes.

64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now? I don't know, and I don't really care actually.

65. Are your toenails painted pink? Nope, it's not painted at all.

66. Will your next kiss be a mistake? How would I know?

67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct? No... Why would you love it when tears come out from someone you love?

68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? I don't think so... lol

69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? Don't remember.

70. How do you look right now? I look like a hobo lol no, I look like me?

71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around? Strike someone. I can be myself around my friends :)

72. Can you commit to one person? Yes.

73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Yep :)

74. Have you ever felt replaced? Yeah, you can say that again.

75. Did you wake up cranky? Kind of. Didn't want to go to school because today's paper was SS.

76. Are you a jealous person? Yes but I keep it inside.

77. Are relationships ever worth it? Depends who's in it.

78. Anyone you’re giving up on? Yeah, a friend of mine.

79. Currently wanting to see anyone? Not really.

80. Name something you have to do tomorrow? WATCH BOLLYWOOD.

81. Last person you cried in front of? Not sureeeee

82. Is there someone you will never forget? Of course!

83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you? I don't have feelings for anybody.

84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? I don't know... run in a field filled with flowers? lol I watch too many movies.

85. Are you over your past? I say I am but I don't know if I really am.

86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Neh.

87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Yes :) You guys know who you are.

88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept? Apologise for??? And err, never gonna happen. Next!

89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? LOL no, my family is sleeping. Come tomorrow.

90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated? Don't think so!

91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months? Only God knows.

92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael? I know him from Amalina.

93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew? I know a Matthew but no.

94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going? No.........

95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March? We don't even talk.

96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? No, but he claims that he is.

97. Who do you have texts from? People...

98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? Oh okay.

99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you? No, lol.

100. Who’s in your profile picture with you? For twitter, Syafiqah :)

101. Ever kissed under fireworks? Nope.

102. Has anybody ever given you butterflies? Yes, in a jar. HAHA. But yeah.

!@#$%

2011-10-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

I am sick. Shall go see the doctor tomorrow. Asked if anybody wanted to accompany me but haven't found anybody yet. Thanks for the 'get well soon' wishes though. Throat hurts like fuck. And I'm hurting real badly. Both inside and outside. Oh well.....

Oh and I didn't study at the airport ystd lol. Went to send the India kids off and then we went to eat at Simpang Bedok. We = me, naz, nurul, syahmi and hairul. Had fun though :)

kbye

2011-10-19T06:46:00.000-07:00

I feel real down right now. Not the right way to feel before a major exam. Wish something or somebody could cheer me up.

Woebegone

2011-10-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

(Y) one Jay. HAHA. Siva, maintain. Love your lips. HAHA k enough.

Oh well let's see... So, O's finally here. Gonna have my O Level Science Practical tomorrow. Quite excited but very much nervous! Hope everything goes well :) Then, on the 24th, O level officially starts. English paper. Kinda scared cos I really don't want to get below a B4. Then Maths...... But I can't wait to get everything over and done with! A little bit more. Have to press on, I can do this.

Been really really sick. Seriously wrong timing, damn it. Oh well. And I said this before but I'm gonna say it again, I feel like disappearing. But where do I go? K anyway, studying alone at the airport tomorrow cause I wanna send Sahara off for her India Trip^^ Reminds me of my China trip :) Great memories... Okay stop it. Don't wanna get emotional. Chey just kidding. Sigh..............

That's all for today, xx

Sigh.........

2011-10-17T08:30:00.000-07:00

This bitch up here sent me a very aww-ing text today. Can't help but to smile when I read it <3

To whom it may concern, don't be demoralized by your results. At the end of the day, it's only EOY. Remember where you're working towards. O levels. Speaking of which, my papers start next week. It means that O's will be over before I know it, Alhamdulilah :) I think I will use the time I have after O's to really find myself. Recently I've been lost and I don't know anybody knows because I don't show it. I won't show it. But today, it has come to a point when I'm asking myself, "What am I living for?" No, this is not some suicidal thought but when I think through, I can't find the answer. People have their own dreams, and I am so happy for them but me? I do, have dreams. But my dreams...I don't think I'll ever reach it. I've no talent and no amount of make up can fix this ugly face. No, I ain't doing surgery. Sigh sigh sigh.

I need to be around people I love to be happy.

Right now, I feel worse than a bag of crap and I'm gutted that I can't do anything about it. Reason being, I just don't know how to...

HeDeservesADickSlap

2011-10-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

Check out my boyz~ Hahaha. So today I had to wake up like super early to go to school to take a P. Geography Mock Test. It went pretty well cuz I could do all ze questions just that I didn't have time to finish. That sucks. Oh well. It's Human Geography, a topic I really like. Hope I scored well for ze Mock Test or else I will cry. Chey no la. Today I was planning on doing POA intensive for myself but it failed because I was not in the right mind to do so. Suddenly became very angsty, very pissed, very upset. The feeling's just overwhelming. I couldn't understand why I was feeling that way but I know that it was because of my own thoughts. I kept having flashbacks of ze past and I really didn't want to rmb them. And I felt like I was stabbed like multiple times on the back and on my heart. I just felt really really hurt. But it was shortlived. Thank god. Had really amazing people cheering me up. Thank you guys, I really appreciate it <3 Thank you very much for understanding me. I felt a lot better after talking to you people. Felt even more better reading Tiqah's blog. Smiled like an idiot. I love you <3

I wish I can just erase you from my memory. It's not that I'm not over you. It just hurts. You and perhaps most of you reading this right now will never understand. Only a handful would. Your presence kills me, really. It just reminds me of the past. Why did it even happen? I'm not gonna put the blame on anybody but I really hate you. Hate you for all the things you said and did. And it's a shame how some find it hard to understand my predicament. Oh well.

I did enjoy a little bit of today though. Watched Kal Ho Na Ho and cried my heart out. It's been a long time since I did that. Picture this.. me alone in the living room sitting infront of the tv, hugging my pillow and wailing like a little child. Not really a pleasant view I must say. But it's really very sad and touching. I like <3

Okay, I guess that's all for the day.

I'm tired of everything, I swear.

Night people, xoxo

2011-10-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Firstly, Happy Birthday to Miss Nithiya :)

Been feeling really owahywenfuynsl nowadays and I'm starting to irritate myself. Feel like killing myself. I say stupid stuff when I'm mad. I think I've got anger management issues. Neh, I don't think it's only that. I think I have lotsa issues. Oh well. I feel so much better after spending the day with Syafiqah Nafisyah and Eiyzati :) Thank you darlings. I am really worried for my O levels. I am worried for POA. And other subjects too but POA... I don't want to fail it. I feel so demoralized when I found out I was the only one who failed in the class for mock exam (excluding those who didn't turn up at all). I improved, yes. But I still sucked. Oh god... Save me from the humiliation.

Love. I am going to pretend that it does not exist if that's going to help me not think about the past and about some people. I am not going to let that thing break me again. I am going to stay strong.

xoxo

My girls ♥

2011-10-08T10:01:00.000-07:00

These girls. You guys have no idea how much I love them. We may seem like just a group of normal teenagers but for me it's more than that. Every single one of them play a significant role in my life. Each one of them are the reason I am who I am today. They've been there for me and all and I really appreciate their existence in my life. Both the good and bad times will forever be kept in my heart. It's hard to watch each one of us fade away as we grow apart but that's life I guess? We never know what the future holds, so we've got to seize every moment while we can. And I would like to take this moment to tell you people how much you guys really mean to me. I guess you can say that I'd do anything for anyone of you :) That's how important and how special each and everyone of you are to me. I am already graduating. I know things will never be the same and we'll never see those days again but wherever I go, you guys will always be with me right here *points to heart*. I may not have played a significant role in your lifes but just so you know, you guys did. I will never forget you guys, unless I turn senile. That, I can't help it ah, sorry :( Haha! Just kidding. No matter where we all end up at... I hope that one day we'll meet again and we'd relive all these great memories no matter how old we are. You guys are precious gems. I love you guys a lot ♥♥♥♥♥

I have so much more to say but I can't seem to put it into words. Words can't express my gratitude and my love for these girls. If it wasn't for you, I would be nothing. Where are you now? ♥

xoxo

2011-10-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

haven't blogged for a long time. hmm, FA was last friday and it was a day to remember. I will forever remember you people, I swear. Those memories created will never leave my heart. I love you boys and girls. My juniors too <3

I am afraid of changing. True what people said, in poly I will make friends and I'm bound to forget about my other friends... I'm sorry if that happens but I will never forget you guys. The only reason I won't talk to you anymore after I graduated is because I feel like you don't need me in your life. I will definitely miss you ppl. Sigh, last week with 4E. I feel like hugging everybody sigh except for ahem you know who. Oh well, that's life.

Saw pictures that made my heart break into pieces. But then I decided that I'm not gonna let that affect me because erm, the guy is not even good-looking or have a nice heart. I'm not really losing much. Just that... it still hurts :) I'm so over you, but no matter what it still hurts.

Sigh, hate it when ppl I'm close to can confide in me but they choose to confide in other ppl. When I do it, they get mad. A round of applause lah seh. How about an attitude adjustment? And fuck it lah, hate seeing his name on my timeline. Love his dp though. Seeing it makes me feel like someone is chopping my heart like some onion. Oh well. Who am I right? Kene sedar diri sikit. Dah la tk lawa~ diam sudah fard. Okay enough, before I write an entire essay about how I'm feeling right now because no matter how many words I use, I can't explain how I"m feeling right now. So... byebye.

2011-09-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

I love my kaki gereks.

Thanks for the amazing day on Thursday, 8 Sept 2011. Love you girls and guys with all my heart :) Raya again next year! More outings after N's,O's and EYE! May Allah bless all of you xx

2011-09-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

:)

Heyhey. Have been rayaing for 3 days straight! It's awesome lah but so freaking tiring but I get $$ so don't mind :p Hehe, I am so stoked for Thurs' jalan raya with awesome peeps. I miss you girls like a lot. Have a lot of catching up to do! All my collections will go inside my bank. Didn't even bother counting how much I got. I just need to save all of them. For future purposes :) Haha. I am really scared cos I haven't been studying. Prelims next week oi! Fard, wake up. I am already awaken. Just that I don't have the time :( Alright. Tomorrow I shall start on SS and prolly Lit? Any humans subject lah. Have to study extra hard on some days because I am going out on Thurs. Whole day will be burned away. But I don't mind.

N's like tomorrow. I'm not taking it but I can feel the pressure. I am imagining myself in their shoes. Confirm scary like shit. Anyhoos, have to go back to school every day. Just my luck. Oh well, I have no choice~ Susah2 sekarang, senang2 kemudian :)

Line is so fun. I can text like nobody's business. But there are limitations. lol. Hmm, decided on what phone to get at the end of the year :) Blackberry bold 9900! See how lah eh, my parents' words cannot be trusted. Check2 sampai next year pakai hp ni jugak. Oh well! By the time I would've my own money alr.

I am blabbering non-stop. I should stop now.
Goodnight
xx

2011-08-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

what's up y'all?! Firstly, selamat hari raya maaf zahir dan batin. Pls forgive me for all my wrongdoings, I have forgiven everybody HOWEVER, I will not forget. Yes, forgive, but not forget. Sorry la bitches and douches, you don't deserve any of my empathy or whatsoever. I don't see the point of even bothering myself thinking of you people so I guess I should just forget. Yes, I will forget you. A lil impossible to forget what you guys did tho. Ah whatever, I hope you just rot in hell. Actually not a lot of people lah, only like one dude.

Anyways, hi :D If you know me very well, all those typed above was out of anger. I don't care if I offended anybody tho. You deserved it because your existence offended me. WHOOPS, did that hurt? Oh, I'm sorry ;) I seriously wish to get away ASAP. Either mortally or immortally, I don't give a fuck. I just wanna get away. I am sick of getting my heart hurt again and again over the same damn thing. And it's not because I haven't moved on, it's because I'm treated as some kind of a non-living thing with no feelings. Like people throw my name around like it has no meaning. Like they don't give a fuck. Well, I don't give a fuck anymore too. You can go and hump a cow for all I care, thing is I just want you to act like I never existed in your life. Ya hear me? Prolly not cause you wouldn't even waste your time here reading. I don't need people like that around me. Like so proud ah that you successfully fooled me? Maciam I no feelings like that. Keep up that good work. Da biase la kene caci/hina. What to do kn? I am not Ms Perfect.

This sucks. I just wasted a potentially good and happy post. Now it's all filled with anger and frustration. Damn you man. You have no idea how much I hate you right now. And nothing will change the way I see you. Not in a million years, never.

The fact that I actually posted all these means that I actually do give a little fuck.
Don't worry, I'm trying my best not to anymore.
Let's hope I can do it.

Adios.
x

2011-08-29T11:17:00.001-07:00

Lingering question kept me up all night.

Anyhoos, Selamat Hari Raya everybody :)
Maaf Zahir dan Batin.
xoxo

2011-08-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

HAHA almari kt belakang exposed. okay. that tigger is my favourite soft toy. reason being it was given to me by a very special person :)

i reached home this morning at around 6am. went to jb from yesterday afternoon til this morning and now, we're going to jb again. my goodness lah. hari raya is so tiring. anyhoos bought a baju kurung, i think it's nice. pink~ buying one more. didn't want to, my mom insisted that i do, so yeah. irritating. my mom said we'll be getting my phone today. BUT then she said, this and that. wah fuck. oh well. must be patient. good things come to those who wait.

so people, if i don't reply to your text, i am not ignoring you. i simply cannot reply. so calm yo tits. my eyes are so tired and i feel like it's burning. not wearing contacts. scared later worse. spects today, haiyo those disgusting spects. oh well, it's only jb. le sigh, alright i'm off. see you guys when i get back to singapore. oh yes, collecting my midget guitar today. sent it to get its strings repaired. hope it sounds good. sexcited ;)

i feel excited for raya now. but ohmy, prelims are just around the corner. must really pay off all these times spent on raya preparations before prelims come. i wanna do well and shove my results up tcl's ass.

adios amigos.
xoxo

2011-08-25T05:02:00.000-07:00

Today's song of the day: Hello Beautiful - Jonas Brothers.

I miss listening to them. Listening to them brings back those times when I was so obsessed over them, especially Joe Jonas. Those 'fangirl' moments. Now I barely have time for that but sometimes I go crazy when I see Taylor York's picchas on tumblr B-) Hehe. I feel quite numb. I don't feel anything. I'm stopping myself from having any kind of emotion. Yet another exhausting day in school. But it was fun. WXY is hilarious. And my other classmates too. I really love 4E :) A few more weeks left. I've planned out my future. It feels good to have a goal in mind. I am so excited yet afraid. But wherever I end up, I'll be happy with it.

Going home alone is kinda alright yet daunting. It's nice to walk alone with your earphones in your ears, with not a single care in the world. But for me, I'd rather walk and talk with somebody. Oh well.

Countdown: 5 weeks.

Yes, to those who despise me very very much, 5 weeks left okay? And I'll be out of your sight. Don't worry :) To those I really really care and love... :-(

xoxo
May Allah Bless You

2011-08-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

I looked up at the sky,
and I wonder why.
Birds can fly,
but I just cry.

I thought I knew you,
I thought you knew me too.
Didn't know you'd take me as a tool,
and treat me like a fool.

I didn't know he means so much to you compared to me.
So yeah, it's alright. I guess I should leave.
Go on, talk to him like you always do.
Never gotten a single phonecall since the moment I moved.

Yeah, I have my own mistakes,
And I was doing whatever it takes,
and when things seemed like it was going well,
you proved me wrong and my heart fell.

I don't want this to be the end,
but I'm sick of all this, my friend.
I don't know what to do anymore,
but to wish it was all just like before.

xx

2011-08-20T05:02:00.000-07:00

Today I had Maths Mock test. Was feeling crappy the day before, so I couldn't study. In the morning, I was 'enlightened' by a piece of news that made me go..."What the fuck, again?" I felt like crying when I reached the classroom. I can't believe it happened again. How much more can I take? That question kept lingering in my head. Maths was a great distraction from all the hurt. While doing, I was able to forget all about it and focus. Though I know I'll still not do well. After the first paper, I thought to myself: I give up. No, not on the paper.

After the paper, I suddenly thought of an idea. I decided to go to my old house in CCK. Told everybody I was going home but I went to take 172 back to my old house. As the bus left Jurong, it felt like I was leaving all my problems behind and going back home. They took down the 'camp' behind the bus stop. It looked so empty. The new HDB flats were already up too. As I got down the bus, it started to rain. Drizzling. And then, it got heavier.

I walked to my old house via the route that I always walk when I used to live there. As I got nearer to my destination, the rain got heavier. The first sight of my house made me feel so at home but it felt foreign too because now, there are other people living in it. I walked up the stairs and stared at the place where there used to be a sofa. Then I stood outside the house for a few seconds and then I went down to the void deck. Even the cat that I used to always see was there.

I sat at the void deck, read my book. It felt so right. It was so quiet and peaceful there. I spent like hours sitting there reading my book. I finished reading the whole book at around 4plus and I decided to go somewhere else. I walked the route that I used to walk when I want to go to school to meet Syafiqah at her block. I walked all the way to her block. Just as I was walking, it rained again. This time, very heavily. The rain was somehow an external manifestation of my inner thoughts.

I couldn't possibly walk in the rain, so I sat at the stairs waiting for the rain to stop. Eventually it did, and I walked to Sunshine just to take a look at how much it has changed. Throughout this whole 'journey', I felt like I was still living there. Like I never moved away. It really felt like home :( Waited for the bus and since 300 came first, I took it and went to LotOne. Then I took 172 from there. It was a great experience. I think I should do it more often.

3 words. I miss CCK.
Quote of the day: "Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

2011-08-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hola amigos. See that picture up there? So relevant :) It's late but that's okay because I didn't waste my time. Did Lit. I am so tired I have no idea why! Maybe lack of vitamins, like TCL said. Oh well. Life has been really mediocre these days. I wish it was like last time, when I had a million reasons to smile. Now, I can't even think of one. Call me a pessimist, I don't really care. It's true. I don't know what's making me go on living in this world. I wish I can easily end it here, but it's not that easy. I need a reason to live. Got lots of people around me, really appreciate their presence but I still feel lonely. You know that feeling when you feel so alone in a crowded room? Yes, I feel like that like 75% of the time. Gosh this is sounding so emo. Oh well. That's life.

TGIF. Timecheck: 12:34AM. There's only 1 thing, 2 do, 3 words, 4 you.

Fuck my life.

Aiyer. I mean, I love you :)

Nights xx

PS: I failed the POA test: 26.5/60

PSS: I still got into the London Chamber of Commerce and Industry Exam (LCCI) :)

PSSS: Alhamdulilah, praises to Allah <3

2011-08-15T06:24:00.000-07:00

This feeling I can't shake no more...

Hey what up. English Oral Examinations in 2 more days! Today's topic was Music! Pretty easy I must say. I need to practice picture and conversation. Like pronto. I mean I can do, but I just don't have the confidence to do it. My heart will always beat super fast. Speaking of beating fast, I've been stealing glances. I DON'T KNOW WHY. Everytime I spot that particular person, my eyes will be fixed on him. As if there's some kind of an attraction... Let's skip this part.

Hmm, school was alright I guess. I think I've learnt the importance of being independent. Sometimes though it's not on purpose, people will leave you alone and at that point of time, you need to be able to face the loneliness. You will also have to seek for that moment of happiness when you find that the only feeling you feel in your heart is misery. It's no use just keeping quiet. But well, sometimes it's always nice to be by yourself for a change. For me, it may be nice but I'd prefer having people around me.

I miss every single person who used to mean the world to me. Heck, they still mean the world to me. I wish that they'd at least acknowledge my presence or at least let me know that they know I still exist. Sigh.

xoxo

2011-08-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

My cutie kitty. I love her so much :)

ok well, i'm supposed to be studying poa right now. i spent half of the day studying chemistry. it was quite productive though. i learnt quite a long but i'm still not confident of passing. it's structured. hope i can do it tomorrow. #staypositive. there's poa test too! for the lcci examination. if i pass, i get to take it. Bismillah, i hope i can do it. oh ya, all the best for all you people having common test next week. speaking of which, el oral is on wednesday. for me. i am sooooo scared. that's not gonna work. i have to calm my tits. i cannot go in and stutter. i need to score in my reading and if i stutter, i will lose marks damn it. shall practice more of picture and conversation. Insyallah, i will do my best on that day.

I.miss.netballers.

xoxo

2011-08-10T05:27:00.000-07:00

How do I live without the ones I love?

2011-08-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to live life to the fullest. It's hard with all the expectations people drill me with. And slowly, I am losing that "tether" with a lot of people. And I am supposed to be okay with that. Well, this is life. You can't always have it your way. Shall accept this. That's the only choice I have. Appreciate too. Then perhaps, change the way I look at it. Maybe it's really not that bad after all?

2011-08-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

I am numb. I don't know what to do, what to feel. I just want to run away from all of this. If it's possible. Obviously no. Yes, I think I treat my juniors better sometimes than how I treat my friends. I just don't know why. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I just go to anybody who can sit there and listen to me while I vomit out all my problems. And that person automatically becomes a part of me. An important person in my life. I can't even prioritise my work, like for example I don't know if I should do Lit homework or POA homework first or what. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! If it's not a sin to commit suicide, I would already do that. There's so many reasons for me to hate myself right now. I just... don't know.

Shall keep smiling. None of this is harder than what those kids in africa are facing.

I need to press on.

2011-07-16T11:08:00.001-07:00

what's over is over. i have to accept that.

the problem with me is that i can't let go. i can't accept the fact that sometimes people move on and i just let myself be stuck in the past because for me, the past is too precious to let go. i am not talking about relationships, talking about friendships. cannot be bothered with relationships. buat sakit hati je. oh well.

in the end, everybody ends up alone... and perhaps this will make it easier for us to part and for me to say goodbye. because it seems like it's already goodbye for us. i will always pray to Allah that you'll always stay in my life but maybe i have to accept whatever that's happened. not fated. i have to understand that people will come and go. and i'm not saying that i don't do that. i did do that to some people and i regret doing it. maybe karma hit me. well. i can't do anything much about it can i?

as days pass, i find myself living a meaningless life. i am not going to jc. if i do, i might be in the papers for committing suicide or something. shall go to poly. i hope life gets better. i miss everything. from sec 1-now. i want it back. but you can't always have what you want, can you?

life goes on.

2011-07-09T09:57:00.001-07:00

SICK OF THIS.

I try to help and you think I'm just merely preaching. WELL OKAY THEN. GO ON AND LIVE HELPLESSLY IN YOUR MISERY. SINCE YOU'RE HAPPY BEING MISERABLE. I TRIED TO HELP BUT YOU DON'T WANNA LISTEN. IF I DON'T SAY THAT TO YOU, WHO WILL? NOBODY IS GONNA DO THAT. AND WHERE WILL THAT LEAD YOU TO? SADNESS. Go on, continue living like that. I wanna say that I don't care but I do.

Seriously. I'm so sick of this. Fine, you may not be able to take what I say but do not cut me off halfway esp when I'm trying to help. I don't say all those stuff for no reason. I say all those stuff to help you. WOULD YOU PREFER TO HEAR ME SAY, OH SHE'S THINKING ABOUT YOU TOO. OH MAYBE SHE'LL TALK TO YOU AGAIN SOON? Cause that would be LYING. JGOHFFS. I know it hurts but just accept the bloody fact. Sometimes when people leave, they NEVER come back. Instead of mourning over their loss, you might as well do something useful with your life. Be the person you used to be. It's hard YES but it's worth it. Thinking about somebody who don't give a flying fuck about you is NOT. JGTFOI.

Night.

2011-07-08T01:20:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it's like to be me?

I am a freaking nobody. Yes after reading this, you'd probably think that I'm attracting attention, trying to attract people to have pity on me. No, you can save your sympathy for those kids in Africa who has no food to eat. I am a freaking nobody.

I have no purpose in life any more. People say that you have to live life for yourself but the truth is, I can't. I can't go on alone in this cruel world. Where's everybody? Where are those people who told me they cared? Where are the people who told me that they'll be there? Where are you guys?

To those who are still here, I appreciate it a lot... I just can't thank you guys enough. To those who faded away from me, THANKS too. You just proved to me that I'm another loser.

You. Yes you. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN COME INTO MY LIFE. WHAT THE FUCK WAS ALL THAT? IF YOU HAD LOVED HER FROM THE START WHY DID YOU EVEN COME INTO MY LIFE AND DESTROY ME? WHAT WAS YOUR BLOODY INTENTION? YOU DON'T FUCKING GO INTO SOMEBODY'S LIFE, TELL THEM THAT YOU LOVE THEM AND THEN LEAVE. THEN GO AND HIT ON HER BEST FRIEND. NO, YOU DON'T. THANKS MAN FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. SINCE YOU LIKED HER SO MUCH WHY DID YOU EVEN TALK TO ME? OH I KNOW WHY, BECAUSE YOUR BEST FRIEND HAD A THING FOR HER RIGHT? SO WHEN HE'S DONE WITH HER, YOU THREW ME ASIDE SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE A TASTE OF HER. SURE, I'M NOT AS PRETTY AS HER. SURE, I'M NOT AS PERFECT AS SHE IS. BUT I HAVE A HEART. YOU FUCKING BROKE IT. YOU COME TO ME AND TELL ME ALL THOSE GREAT THINGS. YOU TOLD ME TO TRUST YOU AND SAID YOU LOVED ME TOO. I KNEW I COULDN'T DO IT, BUT I TRIED. AND I DID. AND THIS IS WHAT I GET. NO, I AM NOT ASKING FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO ME OR WHAT BUT I JUST WANNA SAY, AFTER THIS LONG POST... FUCK YOU MAN. FUCK YOU.

I'm done.

2011-07-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

How I wish I knew how you felt,

About our friendship that has fled.

Maybe for you it doesn't hurt as bad,

but this is the worse that I can ever get.

I don't know why I feel like this,

There's just no such thing in my heart as peace.

I just need someone to pour it all out,

All of my insecurities and all of my doubts.

You used to be the one and that's why I love you dearly,

But the time has all gone, you talking to me?

Rarely.

Please tell me this is not real,

Myself, I want to kill.

Cause these lonely nights aren't fun,

Wish I could end it all with a gun.
Stuck to my head or onto my chest,

Or maybe just poison me with some poisonous gas.

I know suicidal thoughts aren't healthy,

but nobody knows that I sakit hati.

Hoping that I can find someone to share,

All my stories and will bear,

All the bullshit and despair,

Cause right now, I just need somebody who cares.

Written on 31 May 2011, 11:49PM

2011-07-03T08:34:00.000-07:00

okay sigh, after a week of hiding my bangs... i finally let it down. haha!

today was great, met finaa and we waited for syafiqah to finish her madrasah. purposely wanna see her in tudung haha! so saw her, laughed a lot and then we headed over to her crib along with my darling izza ;) haha! had some funny moments. check out the vid at syaf's fb or her youtube account: guiltybear10. damn funny! after that, went to school to meet up for the netball championship opening ceremony. it was okay lah, had fun with the netballers... as per usual :)

after that sg vs botswana. sg lost, so disappointing... oh well. home after that. lotsa funny moments from waiting for the bus to in the bus. finaa taplek-ed me hahaha so funny. i was like a small kid kena pushed around. then in the bus we disturbed her and then she had 'revenge' and then i fell off my chair hahahaha funny shit. OH AND THE SNORT ORCHESTRA/CHOIR! we had a mini concert made out of snort noises. FUNNY as hell. hahaha went to gp macd after that for supper. didn't eat tho, no money haha! ate ice cream only. reached home, ate like a fat pig. nomnom.

there's lit tomr. yay? lol. fuck prelims. wait, i already did :) my prelim results are gna be shit i tell ya. i swear. forget jc la :/ don't know if i can go to a good course in poly even. sigh. maybe going to study with kh and malin tmr at starbucks. maybe. alright, guess that's all?

love you girls, you know who you are! (L)(L)

xoxo

2011-06-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

Heyhey. Firstly, I love Atiqah's post about me. Chey so tk tau malu. Haha, she is so sweet. My DLF :) Today I was so excited for school even though I woke up late. The day before, went for Lion City Cup Finals. Had fun :) So, I was lucky to meet Atiqah and Syaf before walking into the school in the morning. Yay me. Had a great time catching up with lots of people. And even though it's normal to have Tabitha scream my name and wave happily, I felt happy. Those moments aren't gonna last forever. Better cherish them :) Well, Nurul bought me a mug from Switzerland. Cool. Switzerland was her favourite destination and since she bought my souvenir from there, I feel kind of honoured. Wahseh. Syaf got a Sephora lip gloss. Happy for her^^

I was feeling very high today but it died down. We only have a few months left. I cannot emphasize on how LITTLE time we have left here in Westwood. Gonna blog a lot lesser now. Prelims starts tomorrow. Studied Math from just now. Felt good. Now shall read on English. Tomorrow is English btw. After that, shall head home and study Math again. Break and continue with SS at night. I can do this.

The thing that I'm struggling with now is my insides. My outsides are cool, my insides are blue. There's just so many emotions inside that I can't pick out a specific thing that's bothering me. For starters, it's how little time we have left here in wwss and perhaps how it's going to be hard leaving all the wonderful people i've known. Other reasons are personal, I don't think I should write them here. Gotta persevere.

Goodbye for now.

xoxo

2011-06-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

Mornz people :)

Yesterday, which is Friday... The day after Thursday and the day before today, Saturday. Yes, I think you get it. Hahaha! I slept at 5.30am. Woke up around 1pm and then got ready to go out. Soccer bby. This time went with Atiqah, Izlyn, Zulk, Hairul, Fatin, Raiyan, Nas, Naz, Zul, Harris, Amirul Adly, Conroy and Irfan. Hope I didn't miss anybody out :o It wuzz awesome! Yet again hahaha. Best part, saw NURUL la seh. Minah europah. Saw Seri, Sheetal, Maisarah, Ezah and a lot others too :) U-16 was awsum esp Hazim Faiz :D He deserves a standing ovation. U-16's match ended with a penalty. So glad they won! HAHA screamed like nobody's business. Fun lah. By the second match, had no more energy to cheer already. Have lah but we were spending most of the time nomnomnom-ing. Hahaha! But they were great too lah, just not great enough to win Flamengo. Those Flamengo guys are so much bigger than them. Hate it when size becomes a factor in winning. It's just not fair you know? Oh well. Before going home, went to JCP Macd with Zul, Naz, Adly, Conroy and Haniss. Ate double cheeseburger and then mother called and yeah. By the time we went home, it was almost 1am so no more bus. Had to walk home. Scary but I survived. Yay me. Kkay.

Now... I'm tired but I can't fall asleep. I feel sad over something but never mind. I'm getting used to it. And I looked at a photograph that I used as a bookmark for my Chrysalids' book, I realised that all of those people in the picture play an important part in my life. I know you don't know what I'm talking about, nevermind.

Excited to travel around the world with Atiqah :) Hahaa.

Okay goodbye x

23/06

2011-06-23T11:18:00.000-07:00

So yesterday went to watch soccer with Fatin, Syarmimie, Amalina, Eiyzati, Syafiqah, Nazrul, Hazim, Raiyan, Irfan, Nasrul, Zul, Conroy, Dinie, Shahrul and Amirul Adly. I hope I didn't miss anybody out. It was so bloody awesome! U15 was good. U16 improved a lot since YOG! So proud of them. Chey mcm paham only.

Today was supposed to go support netball BUT I overslept. Thanks to my phone. The timing was wrong so the alarm did not ring. Dayummm. Today I was sick. Still sick but feeling better. Spent most of the time in bed and now here I am. It's like 2 in the morning. Have been chatting with fun people since 10pm. Was supposed to discuss about tomorrow but we ended up crapping. Fatin's friend introduced me to the freehabbo.org website. Oh god, after O's I'm so gonna get hooked to it. I miss habbo so much. Shhh don't judge :p HEHE.

2011-06-22T11:25:00.001-07:00

From Tumblr:

It's sad seeing,

monny:

You and an old best friend grow apart. Knowing that the two of you were so close at one point; Always talking, sharing secrets, hanging out and all of that fun stuff you guys used to do. But now it’s different. Something along the way came and you two started to slowly grow apart. Sharing secrets were hard to tell, hanging out became less as well as communication. Then you guys start hanging out with new people… And sometimes the cycle repeats.

Source: monny

2011-06-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

My dear Nurul is back from Europe! Wee. I don't know why I'm so happy. So glad she's back home safely :) Pity her though, she has school tomorrow! Speaking of tomorrow, going to watch the Lion City Cup with a whole bunch of people. Before that going to Toh Guan with Syafiqah to look at something. Sigh, had some miscommunication today. Got real pissed but whatever, not anyone's fault. Bought tix with Syaf and Eiyzy just now at Westmall. I swear I am broke. Got scolded by dad for asking for money too often. Oh well. Kinda excited for tomorrow though. Hope it'll be fun. Btw today I lied :( Not that I'm a Saint but I lied and I am not proud of it. I was trying to hide something because I can't possibly tell the truth. The truth would hurt that person a lot and probably even make things more complicated.

But sigh, I just miss the old times. Yeah whatever, this is so cliche. It's like listening to a broken record. But I swear, I miss it so much. When I actually mean a lot to a particular person... Didn't think we'd be that close but we did. And didn't think that we'd fade from each other this quick but we did. I'm sure things happen for a reason. I just can't figure out why this happened though. Never mind, I still have people who're there for me, who cares. Should be grateful :)

Shall sleep now, it's late! Goodnight. x