Big girls don't cry

Why does my life feel so empty?

I find myself sick of school activities. I don't participate that actively in CCAs and I'm forever not involved in most of the things for (insertprogrammehere). What's new? I know it's up to me to change how things are, but you know it when you're a part of something for the sake of being a part of it. In secondary school, I was madly involved in almost everything. Now, I don't give a flying fuck anymore.

I am homesick. By home, I mean secondary school. Yeah it's probably cos I spent the last 4 years there, that's why it holds so much sentimental value to me. It's not really the school though. It's more of the people there. I can never truly put into words how much I miss my life in Westwood. Both the good times and the bad times. Met Nazrul earlier on and we talked about graduation and stuff like that. I feel so tempted to make most of my juniors/friends in WW now to choose PJC. I don't mind if I'm not close to any of them. I just need some familiarity in the school. There's only like 4 or 5 Westwoodians (from my batch) here in PJ? And none that I will ever talk to lol. I just wish I can walk around my current school and see the same faces I saw for the past 4 years. I mean some faces lah but you get what I mean. I''ve grown so attached to the ppl in sec sch that it's really hard to move on. Yes, I've made new friends. They are the best, I really love each and every one of them. So glad that I ended up in JC and met them cause they're really great. Not trying to angkat anybody but I mean it. But you know there's always a part of you that still wish that the people who were once so dear to you are still lingering around you and not just in your thoughts? Yeah.

I love my class in JC. I love my CCA mates too. But I don't seem to enjoy the non-academic activities here. Maybe it's because of my wrong choices. I really enjoy being in  (insertprogrammehere) . The people there are wonderful. But it gets real annoying when you get treated as if you're kind of invisible by the teachers. If you're not gonna put me in most of the activities, I'd gladly leave. Feel like withdrawing from the programme. Oh what the heck, can I withdraw from life too?

One more thing that's been bothering me is how stupid I am. Care so much about somebody but you don't mean shit to them. What's new? Sigh.

x

Reminisce

“After the first glass, you see things as you wish they were. After the second, you see things as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world.”

- Oscar Wilde

(1)

In secondary 2, I met a friend. Somebody I least expected to become one of the people who'd be close to me. As I look at her from afar, I think to myself... This girl is loud and obnoxious, sheesh. We never really got to talk until the end of 2009. Certain circumstances caused us to communicate and talk more. And we did. We talked about everything you can ever think of. Oh how I miss those endless conversations. It's hard for me to recall any awkward moments when we didn't know what to talk about. We always have something to talk about and I always look forward to talking to this friend of mine. She is a wise girl. Always made me think and not just be stuck in my own thoughts. She taught me to live. For every tear that I shed, she was there to wipe them off. For every problem that I faced, she just knew the right words to say to make it all okay. Our friendship blossomed. At 14/15 years old, I can safely say I've never spent so much time with a friend. We would randomly go out to anywhere we felt like going. After school we would sit and talk for hours and hours. I really cherish this friendship a lot. Much to my dismay, this beautiful friendship was not meant to last. Things changed, we changed. We were still friends but we know it's not the same. Until today, I really don't know why things ended this way. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a stranger to you. Maybe I am. But I guess now you're just somebody I that I used to know.

//

(2)

We used to be the perfect pair. Everybody who knew me knew you and vice versa. My secondary school life was never complete without you. If not for what people say, I would have never noticed the bad things you did to other people or maybe even to me. Everywhere I go, you're there. Your companion is something that I can never be thankful enough for. Remember all the stupid pranks, stupid jokes, stupid things we did? It was all together. My embarrassing, funny, unforgettable moments were all spent with you by my side. You were my best friend. I am not going to deny it, there has been tons of times when I was such an asshole and I see you trying to keep it cool and you never blew up in my face like I always do to you. You were always calm and that made me explode too. I wished sometimes you'd come up to me and slap me for being a bitch to you. I really regret being so hostile towards you in the past. I had no idea why. I had so many negative thoughts about you and I couldn't stand it. But why would I? I honestly don't know. Now that you've become closer to other people, I totally regret it. I wish it was me that you were close to. I wish that I was your best friend and not her. To others, they may think that I'm stupid for saying all these but after 4 years... You have become a part of me. And a part of me is with you too. It's just too hard to end it all just because of whatever fuck you did. You're like family to me. And no matter what bullcrap you did, I wish I can be like "Fuck you" and move on. But no. I will always inevitably/subconciously find some loopholes and forgive you no matter what. I can't say you're a horrible friend because I'm no better. I.am.no.better.

//

I miss everybody. I really do. And deep down it's sad because when we finally meet, the most we do is hug and scream "OMFG I MISS YOU". It doesn't help at all. In the end, I'll still miss you (to whoever it may concern). And it's quite sad too when I can't find the words to say neither do the other person when we finally meet to talk. I can't tell whether we're too excited to be seeing each other or that we've grown apart...

Sigh, that's all for today.

x

From Tumblr

Scold’s Bridle

This portable instrument of torture was popular in England and Scotland during the 1500′s, but was seen as late as the nineteenth century. The scold’s bridle (also known as branks) was a cage that was locked around a woman’s head as punishment for nagging and gossiping too often. Attached to this iron muzzle was a curb-plate inserted into a woman’s mouth to, literally, subdue her treacherous tongue. Most of these metal curb-plates were spiked, averaging in length of about half an inch to an inch. The smaller spikes were a mild discomfort while the longer ones pierced the tongue and caused the victim to bleed continuously.

To make matters worse, some curb-plates had an additional round gag at the end which, when the device was worn, rested in the back of the mouth, irritating the throat. Some of these gags were shaped as animal heads to symbolically refer to her crime (e.g. donkey meant fool).

Wearing the scold’s bridle was far from a private affair. Women were taken through town, led by a leash, for people to see and know of her transgressions so that she may be ridiculed for them. If the verbal assaults weren’t enough, women were stoned and beaten by the townspeople.

from http://skinned-teen.tumblr.com

Fact: I've written a suicidal note before.
No, that statement was not meant for me to show off, ask for sympathy or brag. What I'm trying to say is that for that moment when I wrote the letter, I was so sure of ending it all. Leaving everything before. The cruelty, hypocrites, motherfuckers and whores. Right now, I'm feeling the exact same thing. I've never felt so down like right now. I don't even feel like talking to anybody about it. Nobody will understand. You'll just judge and no I'm not gonna allow that to happen. Maybe it's just a moodswing. I hope so. Maybe it's not. Maybe I've been bottling everything up for too long. I don't know. I just............sigh

From Tumblr:
You're sitting at your desk, and you know it's time to go. You've said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You're tired... you're just so very tired. You're parents pissed you off, like school wasn't bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you're that desperate. You're ready. You think of it as some game... the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it's the perfect time. You're ready. If you don't do it, you're gonna look down on yourself even more forever. You're just going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know... until tomorrow. Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera out, along with a chair. You're standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope... you're gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan and the other is already around your neck. You're in tears, you know it's for real this time. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words. "Mom and dad, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. Please don't blame yourself, please. I love you both, and tell my siblings the same. I'll see you all soon." You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won't be there for him anymore when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think of... even yourself. You're sorry for not being strong anymore. You're sorry for breaking down. You're sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life. You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your hand. You clicked the off button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair... the chair is on the floor... the room is filled with silence. You're dead. You're gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You don't have to live in pain anymore... but everyone else will. What are your parents going to think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they going to do? You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back. You ended your life because the person of your dreams only thinks of you as friends. You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knows you're the only one that is going somewhere in life. Your parents are home. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do when they get home.... but something's different. You don't answer. They get worried... you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your little brother comes up after her. He screams "DADDY HELP!!!!" He runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. "WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP". But you don't answer, you're not waking up. You're gone. You're dead. There is no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn't move. He's stiff as a board. He cries.... Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words "My daughter committed suicide" out of his mouth. Your little sister stares at your dad. Your dad hangs up and your little sister jumps into your dad's arms, crying harder than ever. She's too young to understand completely, but she knows you're gone. You're dead. There is no going back. Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They push your dad and sister out of your room and sit them in the living room. They take your body down off the ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go... just like that. You're gone. You're dead. There's no going back. Nothing is the same. Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the window more than half of the day. Your little sister still hasn't returned to school. Your dad is forced to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your wake and funeral. Eventually, they found to strength to go into your room. Your door hasn't been open for months. The rope is still laying on the floor and the video camera is still sitting on the table. They don't even dare to watch the video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine, your mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat... like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut. Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. The girl that said no to being your lab partner, yeah she cuts every single night now because she thinks it's her fault you died. The boy that tripped you by accident and didn't say sorry, yeah he's in suicidal therapy 5 days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he didn't give that to you. The teacher that was hard on you that day, she quit her job because she felt she wasn't suited to teach anymore. You're gone. You're dead. There's no going back. 4 years have passed. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club in her school dedicated to you. "Secrets" is what he calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone. That was your problem. You didn't want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled up inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest kid on the planet and you had the perfect life. You played that character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so "happy" and as soon as you layed in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, it hit your limits. You're gone. You're dead. There's no going back. Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn't as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side moving her in the right direction. Your best friend is still torn up. Your school now has a club dedicated to you so teens will not make the same mistake you did. Your life was precious and you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, that's all you needed. But since you're gone, just know people cared. People always have cared. You were just way too upset to see that. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared... when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. Your town will never be the same. A girl is gone, a special girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care, they always have cared. We loved you, and no matter what, we will still always love you.

:)

Friday and Sat was (L).

I wanted to blog my heart out but I totally forgot what I wanted to say. Maybe I will blog again later. Anyway I find it quite amusing how my sec sch and jc have so much in common. It's funny when I think about it. Hahaha. School tomorrow, time to switch back to jc mode. Have fun poly kids! Time for school :P Will blog again soon. Toodles.

x

Wednes Day

Envy this girl so much. She has almost everything...sigh. And she can get anything she wanna cause she's pretty, smart and whatever she is. She's the type that guys will turn their heads for just to see her walk along the corridors. Oh pretty girl, you're so lucky.

Procrastination is the worse disease anybody can ever get. I have this geog assignment and it's super duper hard :'( There's pidato tomorrow and geog map test, as well as gp test. Life's really great -_- On top of that, I'm rly excited for Friday! There's project Agape and I can't wait to donate blood. It's my first time donating blood and I don't know why but I wanna do it! Afterwards, meeting my dearest Tiqah and then heading back to WWSS for Awards Day. Hehe so excited! Then bbq? I guess. Following that, ice-skating then Retrospection (Concert Band) on Saturday :) The week's going by real fast and it sure is gonna end on a good note, I can tell. A div's starting next week. I don't know how to feel. Usually I'll be nervous or excited or whatever. I'm just so demoralized. Horrible play during training. The more mistakes I make = the warmer the bench's gonna be. If you get what I mean. Every time I make a mistake, coach will confirm spot it. When I make a good pass or whatever shit, it's like nothing to him. Nb lah. Whatever la idkla fuckla :/ No mood liao bye.

duhelnwhfesifhshdxh3

I am so lazy to even raise my pen and write something on my geog assignment due next week. I haven't even completed my malay poems and shit. Basically, I'm screwed. I do not regret not spending my Friday and today doing all those crap. It was my choice and I deliberately wasted my day away playing iphone games and watching movies.

I find that I'm getting sick of everything. I think this is one of the phases that I'm bound to face when I enter JC. Right now, I just want to SCREAM and sit with my legs crossed, wishing/praying so fucking hard that I can go back in time and go to poly or that I can somehow change my parents' old-fashioned thinking. I know that by going to poly, my place in Uni will not be guaranteed. But that doesn't mean I won't fuck my A levels up. That way, I'd still not be able to go to Uni. I am just fucking sick of everything. I feel like killing myself everything I see the pile of work that needs to be done. At first, I was fine. I knew I can do it. But now, I just feel so fucked up cause I'm shit lazy to do it. My house is basically a shithole. Everything is just so fucked up. I fucking hate every single thing in my life. I just want to live. I just wish studying could be more fun, more enjoyable, more enriching. I just feel forced to do every fucking thing. Don't do work = Fail. Fail CAs, high possibility of fucking my J1 year. Then I'll either be kicked out of this fucking college or become a Kairos (which is not necessarily a bad thing).

Sigh, I gotta get a grip of myself. There's just too much negativity going inside my head. I just wish there was something that can make me feel better. Something that can make everything better.

x

Everytime I see your tweets/blogposts/tumblr about you missing somebody, it kinda hurts to know you're not referring to me but somebody else. Oh well, life goes on. It has to.

Why

People told me I should forget about you. And yes, I'm doing it. But no matter what, you're always lingering in the corner of my mind. No matter how much crap you gave me, I can never fully treat you like another stranger. When our friendship ended, you took away a part of me too. We're too close for me to be able to let go of all the things we've been through. Yes, you're still a fucking bitch to me. But bitch or not, I used to be able to accept it and uphold this friendship. But why can't I now? And why can't you accept me too? Why didn't you stop me from stopping the friendship? Were you glad that it's finally over? Were you eager to end all of this? But weren't you the one who did all the things to make it hard for me to trust you? What about those promises? I know I am no better, I was very mean. But did I expect too much from you? Were we even 'bestfriends'? I don't know what to think anymore. I cannot stop thinking about this. I don't think I will ever be able to. But I guess you already did.

You didn't even want to fight for our friendship.

But when it comes to other circumstances like (I shall not mention his name), 

you find it so hard to let go.

But you easily moved on after we bade goodbye.

I finally see it now.

I never meant anything to you. 

Not now, not in the past, never.

To think that I even bothered to post this...

Everything is just a lie.

You're a lie.

Liar.

Goodnight.

x

This.